I know that we’ve all experienced pregnancy loss through abortion and the range of emotions that come with that through our own personal and varied stories. Over the next few minutes, let’s just talk as openly as you’re comfortable with about your experience.

Julie, let’s talk about when you first experienced pregnancy loss. Could you bring us into the moment of what you were feeling, and share a little bit about your experience?

Julie: Um, sure. It’s been 4 months since it happened now. I felt completely numb afterward. I thought I would feel better, relieved, or something, but it was tougher than I thought it would be.… I feel like it was the right decision for me, but even still, the… the awful pain and the aftermath, you know, my feelings, I-I… I don’t know.! Nobody told me I would feel such heartache. It’s still hard. When I think about it, I find myself just feeling sad, really, really sad, yeah.

Advocate: Mmm, thank you for sharing that. How about you, Tanya? When you first experienced pregnancy loss, what were you feeling? Could you bring us into your headspace?

Tanya: Yeah, for sure. I think for me, the main emotion I felt was actually anger, bordering on rage. I felt unsupported by my boyfriend at the time, and I wanted support, even if just a little to help me through. So I think I was angry that that wasn’t the case. For me, it’s been about two years since my abortion experience, and I’d say now I sometimes just get really down, especially at like, certain times of the year. My abortion was in February, and the next Christmas was brutal… It was right around 10 months later, and I don’t know I just kept thinking what if… like what if I’d felt supported, what if I’d made a different decision about all of it? And I kept thinking about the different possibilities of what would’ve been around that time. So it-it was very overwhelming.

Advocate: It sounds like you’re naming a feeling of loss that expresses itself around particular memories and dates—ones that feel connected with the loss. From what you just said, it sounds like your anger and frustration were connected to feeling unsupported. And that those feelings sometimes lead you into the “what ifs” around your pregnancy.

Julie: Yeah, Tanya, what you actually just said made me think of something. I think for me what you said about Christmas – the moment you had is actually very true for me as well. I haven’t been through a Christmas yet but… but Mother’s Day is actually brought up so much for me. I kept thinking about when I was pregnant. For me, around that time I… I just started feeling so… stuck, I guess is the word. Just paralyzed, emotionally, mentally, physically… For whatever reason, I-I thought I would’ve had a girl if I kept the pregnancy. So on that day, I just kept thinking about what she would have looked like and what I would’ve called her. It was those thoughts that just kept playing on repeat all day. And honestly, it made me feel awful. I just, I couldn’t shake it. I-I know this is weird, and, I don’t know, maybe it’s too much. But… I actually named her… in my head. I won’t share her name—not publicly, I-I couldn’t ever do that, but I do have a name for her when I think about her. Wow. It feels good but, but very scary to say that out loud.

Advocate: Mmm. What you’re describing is actually something that a lot of people feel… it’s a sort of connectedness, a memorialization of that life. Not everyone feels it in the same way, or with the same intensity, and some people don’t experience it at all. But want to affirm that those feelings are normal, and actually much more common than you’d think. What helps a lot of people is being able to name the grief—the loss—it’s a huge step towards healing.

Julie: Oh wow, that’s interesting. I’ve never heard it that before… that actually helps to hear it laid out that way. It makes me feel better, thanks. Because sometimes I just—I just feel like, I don’t know, I’m the only person that’s had this experience or gone through something like this before. Obviously, I know that’s not true, but… when it’s you that went through the experience, it just, feels so isolating I guess.

Tanya: No I feel the same way, so you are definitely not alone in it. I felt this sense of loss and just felt different after, like I couldn’t be myself in the way I used to be. Not sure if that makes sense, but it just felt like I somehow changed… and I felt like I kept getting deeper into this feeling of… despair? I tried to tell David, my boyfriend, how I was feeling. I just felt like he didn’t get it, and I felt so misunderstood… I kept trying to talk with him about it, and I felt like it always ended up in a lot of tears or in a fight. He couldn’t handle my emotions, and I think he just wanted to forget about it and move on. I couldn’t do that. So I actually broke things off with him. He turned around and started dating someone, and I just couldn’t understand how he could just move on and see someone else so quickly and I’m just still here hurting. It just felt like getting hit with a loss and then another one and another and honestly, I’m still not over it emotionally. l feel like I have trouble with being happy and enjoying basic stuff… just like, being with my friends.

Julie: Tanya, I am so sorry. I get a lot about what you’re talking about. I feel the same way… My boyfriend and I are still together but, ya know, it’s been a real struggle to ever talk about this together… like, it just feels like there’s a cloud over us at all times, and sometimes I just get so angry that I feel like we’re never going to get past this together..

Advocate: Thank you both for sharing all of that. I just want to affirm again that what it sounds like you’re both processing are feelings of grief. And actually, what you expressed earlier, Julie, has a name… it’s called memorialization—the idea of naming or preserving your loss in a personal or private way so that you remember that part of your journey. It’s really quite natural. It sounds like for you, how you’ve named your daughter is a way of honoring her memory.

It’s very common to find relief and healing through a process of creating special markers to remind you about the loss you experienced. I’ve known many others who have done similar things, like writing a letter to express how you felt and saving that as a keepsake, or marking the loss with a physical symbol like jewelry or a tattoo that reminds you of the pregnancy. I’ve even known people who have composed songs or poems or created a garden memorial. All that to say, it’s common to name the loss and also to desire to have a symbol of it with you. It’s good and healthy to honor and mark moments in our lives that are significant.

Tanya: Huh, wow, I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone talk about this as a common thing. A lot is coming up for me right now, like maybe ways I want to sit with my experience and even mark it, like in a physical way. I’m actually an artist, so what you said really resonates.

Advocate: It’s so important to have a space to process and express yourself with others, whatever that looks like. I also want to acknowledge that you are both courageous for allowing other people into your stories. I’m confident this will help others in their own journeys. It’s really amazing how you’re taking the time and just giving yourself space to acknowledge hard things and figure out how to move forward.

Julie: Thank you so much, this was really helpful.

Tanya: Yeah, this was great.