I know that we’ve all walked through an abortion with our partners. I mean, the range of things we go through during that time is very personal and varies for each of us. Over the next few minutes, how about we discuss this as openly as we can and just go over our experiences?

Malcolm, when you first found out your girlfriend was pregnant, could you bring us into the moment of what you were feeling, and maybe share a little bit about how she broke the news to you?

Malcolm: Uh, yeah. Yeah, sure. Uh, this was about 8 months ago now, and she thought she might be pregnant, so I drove her to the doctor and waited in the car. I was so nervous I couldn’t even go in. Finally, she came out, and I saw her coming towards me when she was done, and it was- it was just written all over her face. And, to be honest, I stopped her from saying it out loud. I just- I didn’t want to hear the word “pregnant.” I just grabbed the steering wheel and I groaned. Because all I could think about was my dad’s voice in my head saying, “It’s so much easier to do things the right way, so don’t make a mistake.” But clearly, it was too late. I’d already screwed that whole thing up. Um, in the car, we didn’t really talk much more, and I just, we pretty much just drove in silence. And I just-I didn’t have any idea what we would do. I mean, I loved her, but a kid right now? It was just, uh, it was too overwhelming.

Advocate: Mmm, wow, I mean, thanks for sharing that. How about you, John? When you first found out about the pregnancy, what were you thinking and feeling?

John: Um, yeah, thanks. I think for me, I was in total and complete shock. We were really careful, and her IUD must have failed. This was a girl I hadn’t dated for very long, and quite honestly, I wasn’t sure we had a future together. That’s honestly all I could think about – was her. Did I want to be with her? Then I felt like a terrible person for going there so fast. I mean, what in the heck am I supposed to do? I went numb. She told me on the phone, and I just told her we’d figure it out. But, I had no idea what we’d do. I just said that because I couldn’t wait to get off the phone so that I could think.

Advocate: Thanks for being open, you guys. It sounds like both of you were overwhelmed and had a lot of things surfacing in your mind. I’m curious. In the days that followed, did things get more clear? How did you move forward? John, let’s start with you.

John: Well, I kind of didn’t know what to do next. Like I said, I hadn’t been seeing this girl for very long, so I didn’t really know my place or even if I had a place.

Ultimately, I decided that I wanted to support her, and I wanted her to feel like she could have the baby and that we’d figure out the details together. So, I spent hours all night like researching everything I could find online about costs, about challenges… even trying to find stories from other guys.

And even though I wasn’t sure about my relationship with her, I just kept thinking that this could be my firstborn. I had a ton to figure out, and I didn’t know how we’d afford it, but I really wanted to try to do this with her.

But when I tried to engage her to talk about it, she just always pulled away. I felt like anything I did or said was wrong. We argued all the time until, ya know, eventually she often didn’t even take my calls. To be honest, I wasn’t sure what she was planning at all for, I don’t know, more than a week? I was so conflicted, but it’s her choice, right? It’s her body. What can I even say or do? I’ve never felt so out of control in my life.

Malcolm: Yeah, exactly, John, I can relate to that.

Advocate: Malcolm, would you be willing to share?

Malcolm: Yeah, sure. Uh, you know, what can I say? Well, as a guy, I don’t know. I didn’t have the words, and I didn’t even really know how to move forward even just one day later. Because, the next day I saw my girlfriend and I tried to talk to her about our options – like, let’s think about this – but she told me right away she was scheduling an abortion… that it was the wrong time. And, I couldn’t disagree. It was a bad time. I’m pretty sure I even blurted that out when we were in the car. But I was shocked. She’d already made up her mind? We really hadn’t ever talked about options, so, I don’t know, but at that point, what do I say?

Advocate: Man, that must’ve been tough. What happened next?

Malcolm: Well, the appointment wasn’t for another week, so, ya know, I just went home. I couldn’t even face her. We did talk on the phone a little bit, but for me, I just kind of hunkered down at home that whole weekend. I called in sick for two days at work and I was just sad. I watched the same dumb movie over and over. I just kept thinking what my dad always said about making a mistake, and now I’d made the biggest one ever, and there was nothing I could do to undo it.

And then when I took my girlfriend to the appointment I just tried to talk about other things. Afterward, I took her out to lunch and made some jokes to try to cheer her up. And, I, ya know just kind of made that my goal moving forward. Just cheer her up and move on with our relationship, but still, she isn’t back to her usual self. And I hate it, I hate it. Our relationship is off, and I just wonder if we’ll ever get back to where we were before all this happened.

Advocate: Wow, I mean, Malcolm, thank you so much for sharing. It’s common for guys to experience their own sadness and mixed feelings, but also not want to share it with their partner. That’s because you have an instinct to protect her from negative things. Making jokes or taking her out for lunch is a way for you to feel like you’re supporting her. However, it’s important to open up a little bit more and be vulnerable with her about how this has affected you as well. Vulnerability and open communication is the most important thing in a growing relationship. It’s also important for you to have a place to share what you’ve been holding inside.

John, I know for you, things turned out differently with your relationship. Could you share a little about your experience through the abortion?

John: Well, I think for me, I had a lot of anger, and if I’m honest, I’m still pretty angry at the situation. We did everything right – we used birth control, and we still got pregnant. Our relationship was really in the early months, but I think we had a lot of potential, and I hate that she didn’t want to explore what that might look like for us.

I feel like my role as a man is to fight for my family. And, I couldn’t do that. I am completely powerless to do anything for her or for this child. She didn’t even let me know when the abortion was happening and dropped off from our relationship soon after. I was doing pretty well about two months after everything ended, but I don’t know. The last few weeks have been really hard again. Last week would have been the due date. I mean, I thought I was getting better, but I don’t know. Am I ever going to get over this?

Advocate: Wow, though you both have different experiences and outcomes in your relationships, what you’re both describing is actually grief. Not everyone feels loss in the same way, or with the same intensity, and some people don’t experience it at all. But I do want to affirm that the struggles you’re having are much more common than you’d think. In fact, some studies have shown that men are so focused on their partner, they may not even experience a lot of grief until months or even years later. It’s important to recognize the grief you have, so you can spend time processing and healing so you can move forward as well.

Malcolm: Yeah, actually that helps. That makes me feel a lot better. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who has ever gone through this experience. I know that’s not right, but it feels that way. It just-I just feel really isolated I guess. It’s really helpful to hear from others like you, John, even though what we’ve gone through is different.

John: Yeah, I’ve spent a lot of time searching online for stories from other guys, and no one really talks about this stuff. I feel a little, I don’t know, relieved just putting it out there.

Advocate: Well guys, I’m glad this conversation helped. It’s so important to have a place to process with other men. Most of us assume that only a handful of guys have been through this, but the truth is more than 1 in 4 people have had an experience with abortion. You both are courageous for sharing your stories. Hopefully hearing from you will help others in their own journeys.

Malcolm: Yeah, yeah me too. Uhh, I just hope it helps some other guys know they’re not alone.

John: I hope it helps.

Advocate: Thank you both again for your openness.

Malcolm: Thanks for this, Kenneth.